and no blog posts yet??? this means worsening depression! who can blame me; i am self-quarantining. well. the answer is always someone but a n y w a y s it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
things are changing, and it may matter. it’s hard (hard!) for me to know, to convey, to truly & fully understand, and to trust, oh gosh to trust my own brain… but the thing is, i will update my site to reflect any personal updates asap. i will also update you all when i am done with that! maybe not here. maybe on twitter. but who cares. who cares! oh you do? i am genuinely so sorry but i am oh so sick in a non-covid-19 way (as far as i know) so let’s just keep going okay.
i’m not manic i swear. i have my reasons to act whatever way i might at any given moment.
right now, and this is unrelated, my facebook friend wants scorpions for their animal crossing switch town. i highly respect that, despite not owning a switch or a switch lite (coughiwouldlikeonethocough)… also isolation is something i am used to, but it still hurts when increased, and of course, quarantine hits different when you live alone on your lease.
i have more videos? if i recall correctly? i will insert them below; you may peruse as you like.
that is so many! who knew i was capable of such output!!!
i guess that’d be an adequate blog post, for a day, if i were done talking. so i can stop at any point really; what freedom!
so let’s not sugarcoat it – we are in a pandemic, my president is an idiotic racist idiot (yes, saying idiot twice was in fact necessary)… it’s sunday, so there’s no mail, but that’s okay, because i’m trying to stay indoors, i GUESS. also my cats are fine, so there, you have the most important updates!
i’m out of coffee, right now (this is bad). can you think past the moment – not under normal circumstances, but right now? i certainly can’t. maybe it’s the 3mg of klonopin i put in my body every day, or one or several of my many overdoses, but i can’t quite use my brain right any more. i even consider [redacted], for lucidity! well!!!
coffee is wonderful, even with all its anxieties and tachycardia risks. it is a beautiful thing. i do love to caffeinate. but i, sir, madam, or super computer (that was a kero kero bonito reference idk), am an addict, tied by invisible but strong twine to the sweet, sweet, but more realistically bitter, bitter caffeine molecule. i knew a girl named laura once, i suppose we are still friends. we bonded so well for a short time! life is like that sometimes. she wore a caffeine molecule necklace (to be fair; this was early 2013, and in 2009 i wore a plastic moustachio necklace from hot topic every damn day, so,). she asked me to unfasten it; it had been stuck for weeks, she said. i tried. i failed. her skin was warm, not cold with circulation problems and soft elasticity like mine. not that she has rough skin – just, you know, average healthy skin.
i don’t have an ehlers-danlos diagnosis and am certainly not getting a professional one from a new rheumatologist in the middle of a pandemic’s beginnings at its almost-epicenter country in any timely manner! but that’s okay (because it has to be, of course!)
i do, in fact, meet the diagnostic criteria, through known means that includes a self-administered beighton test.
lately the self harm urges are back. trigger warning: self harm, but my box cutter looks awfully appealing sometimes lately, and i also enjoy entertaining the thought of continuing my watch-thru of 13 reasons why, to self-trigger, a show that i self-triggered with the night that i overdosed on amitriptyline early the next am (i attribute my actions largely to that show)…
there’s more, so much more, but we have time, so much time, don’t we?