i just erased lines i wrote. i never do that, never, never ever. i preserve and document everything. oh well. change is good, and if it’s something else, i just have to be patient and wait to see what

i published a terrible hour-long vlog, watch it if you want

it does cover some important points but also even though it seemed fine in premiere and was imported at 1080p, it appears to have decreased in quality (thanks youtube.)

anyways, as i hit the button to open this post, i got my finger trapped hard between a hard plastic shoe (the durable kind) and my metal desktop pc case. it hurts! i may have a dent or white mark on my nail later! oh well. hence the title of this post though; it hurt like hell.

i’ve been rereading flowers for algernon; it’s so hard to read in multiple ways. i cry at almost every page, and i have suppressed my crying hugely in the recent past.

i just took a pill i’m prescribed. this time, it was hard, because it’s my largest pill i take, and i feel nauseous. i prepped for taking it with deep breaths and mental affirmations.

my friend is manic. i am worried about her. i worry that i will become manic, with my two bipolar uncles – but then, are my rapid mood swings and depressive moments caused by obsessively thinking about suicide and dwelling on death, and shorter term bpd mood swings? i do not know.

i forget almost everything. i’m starting to write more as a solution to this. let the record show that i am fighting, resisting my symptoms!

i hate hate hate hate HATE to say this or do it but i think i need to give my mom 3 credit cards i have in my wallet. i gave her mine before but… i have acquired more so i should admit that to her. i doubt she reads this, if she does, sorry mom, i will give them to you shortly if i haven’t already. ugh. i am so low on money already! money is such a huge stressor – one of the biggest in my life right now!

i guess this is like, a post-length post already.

does a post have to be a certain length? (no.)

does it have to have media; videos & pictures? (no.)

does it have to be a certain length if it does not have media? (…no. probably not.)

ugh. what really matters? i ask myself that a lot, a lot, a lot. sky ferreira comes on shuffle and i think about darkness and i remember simultaneously the rules that since i wrote so many short “blocks” as wordpress dot com calls them i must write a longer block now! not a wordpress rule; a personal one.

i also like to sprinkle in pictures and other media intermittently. it helps. i feel more comfortable publishing a post arranged the way i am describing.

i need to do laundry. i need to shower. i have a to-do list that is a mile long, but not literally, because duh.

i wish things felt okay.

i’ll do more! more posts. more videos. etc. it will happen! give me time, not even much, i hope.

xoxo
zélie