say you’re happy now, once more with feeling

obviously the post title is lyrics from the buffy the vampire slayer musical episode, which happens to fall in season 6, the best and darkest season.

i’m not tired, maybe because of caffeine, or perhaps a nap i don’t remember whether i had or not but that i probably did, in fact, have.

speaking of memory loss:

anyways, i am watching that buffy musical episode, and it’s good, as always, and i find it touching, as always.

while you could call buffy diving into a magical hell dimension bubble abyss suicide, this episode is the one with the really hard hitting attempt from the lead; when she tries to dance herself to death. sorry i didn’t warn spoilers for a plotline that happened 20 (? ish) years ago.

i relate very much to having memory loss problems like in that video (since i do have memory problems!) perhaps it’s mental illness. medication could do it, or my past suicide attempts could have left that organ more damaged than we realize.

my colonoscopy and endoscopy microbiopsy did in fact come back with something vaguely abnormal, so i’m waiting to talk to my gi specialist about that.

things are less up in the air, but still so. it’s stressful. i’m overwhelmed! i think of suicide perhaps a little less often, though. i push the thoughts away, but sometimes it takes longer than other times. my eating disorder, in a sick way, helps me cope by distracting me – and telling me i’m not thin enough yet to die in case i have an open casket funeral. twisted. okay, brain.

i plan to write throughout this episode (although i’ve already titled the post, i am actually about to watch tara serenade willow) for this blog post and see where it goes. however, i also made that plan before i typed this much only a few scenes in.

perhaps i’ll write less? then again, i struggle to write sometimes, so perhaps it is a good thing! my brain is such a mess, that i do not know.

ah, here we go, the beautiful tara serenade. the reprise (ft rupert giles) is so beautiful, too. two of the best voices in the cast!

i’m playing it loud. it’s almost 11pm here, right now, but i am wearing my over ear headphones and i like to listen to things loudly. perhaps my hearing is damaged temporarily or permanently from this, or perhaps it is the cause, or both. perhaps one day i will be able to stop overusing the word “perhaps”.

i drink coffee, cold (or more accurately room temperature), but when i finish this cup i do have a hot fresh french press full of coffee to pour and drink. i drink too much coffee, but it kills the hunger, which helps me have less of my stomach symptoms, though i know the coffee itself isn’t good for my stomach, or the milk i buffer the coffee with, though oddly in combination they damage me less since the acidity of pure coffee would ruin me.

watched this recently. my main ig, should you care to follow it, is @zeliethorn

i want to include some more pictures now.

shopping for sugar free red bull at the 24 hour store
me in my embarrassing tana mongeau pants (that i got on a discount) in my embarrassingly messy bedroom with an old hair color

(tw ed) emma caulfield (anya, in buffy) is so thin! my disordered brain is jealous. did they know, when they filmed this, that her red lingerie clad body would be triggering to those who so desperately want to be thinner, to the extent that they’ll use unhealthy means?

of course, it’s not emma’s fault for being thin. i just wish i were that thin! sorry, i am being honest. perhaps too blunt – i hope i do not regret these words.

when things are hazy, and confusing, it’s hard to do much of anything, even communicate! the caloric deficit does not help.

this was stuck on my corkboard strip, hence the hole poked into the top of this photo of sabrina
check out my IV hand bruise
prior to my colonoscopy & endoscopy
my good friend Alex

lately, things have been hard. of course, most people are trying to support me! i am just a very very heavy weight. burden. obstacle?

i’m tired and uninspired by everything, but that’s disgusting and selfish, right? even if it isn’t my fault.

even if i hate myself more than anything else.

i’m okay; i’m safe.

my coffee cup is empty… time to refill with the hot stuff!

my feet have blisters on them because i sit on my feet all day.

a photo of me aged 18

“does anybody even notice?
does anybody even care?”
– dawn singing, buffy the vampire slayer, once more with feeling

how to survive when survival is so hard? why, by doing it.

the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

that line is said by both dawn, and buffy, in an earlier season (okay, the season immediately prior to season six.)

this post will be long! that’s new. well, not new, but not recent, either. i haven’t been so good at the updating, or the long well-written posts, or the words in general…or the pictures. my dslr is still broken, naturally.

the actor/dancer/singer who plays sweet in this episode is so talented.

i’m wearing patrick ta body oil, and it feels luxe, but also bougie in a gross way and also excessive in that i noticed how much is gone from two (?) uses earlier tonight and i’m concerned that that much product is gone already. then again, i do really love glitter, and i was having trouble with the pump on the bottle before.

i also relate to buffy being unable to take care of everything, or maybe anything, at least much, at this point in the show. it is all too much with ptsd! buffy almost certainly has ptsd, especially after (spoilers, major spoilers) clawing her way out of her own grave. hey, she’s died twice.

also, her hair looks really good. she’s really thin too. the only female member of the cast who isn’t extremely thin is tara’s actress amber benson, actually. even she is not fat.

also, what’s up with the poc situation in buffy??? it is problematic. buffy is my favorite show, but i must not mention buffy and neglect to mention that!

tonight is so bad. life is so bad. i am okay. i will be okay. the reprise of under your spell and standing is happening. their voices are beautiful.

i cancelled two subscriptions today (apple music, and dropbox) and checked that a third had been cancelled (sephora flash shipping). i hate to let these things go, but money is tight! as always, basically.

portrait mode on an iphone doesn’t replicate a dslr, but it is nice to have for vlogging and portraits/selfies. i feel that i can’t call them “self portraits” any more, since it is in fact a phone camera.

to save the day, or maybe melt away, i guess it’s all the same … so i will walk through the fire.

i’m getting tired. time to pause, get up, pee because coffee is a diuretic, and get more coffee! whoo! i’m not interrupting this song though (walk through the fire)… one of the best.

at least buffy has a good support network… kind of. it’s complex, like life, and real life relationships. like in my real life, it was stronger and less complex in high school, before a lot of her trauma.

i hope to see jeannette tomorrow and to give her her (extremely belated) birthday gift, and to receive mine! i miss her dearly.

ugh, buffy’s hair is SO good.

xoxo
Z

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