my brain is full of static fuzz – not literally, there is no extra sound i am hearing, but my thoughts are so clouded i cannot think of another way to put it.
an idea time to write a blog post? no.
i have pictures to share, or at least one, probably a lot more, but i’m not functioning well enough to figure out what i’d want to share that i shot since last posting pictures, and then sort those files and upload them, so no pictures for you today.
sometimes, this happens for a whole day.
i have videos for you too, mostly from other people, but those are for later too.
i look at people who are healthier, and functioning, and i am not jealous or bitter, just… wistful
i have been journaling when i can. that helps. art helps. i suppose that is why i am writing a blog post – and to document, for myself, and to share, for others. so you can read about how mental illness can eat away at the ability to do things so badly.
i compare myself probably problematically often to a flowers for algernon-esque scenario. you know, the part where he is losing his once great mental ability.
i must admit that while chronic illness and trauma are the root causes of all this in every way i can imagine, my eating disorder’s tendency to make me restrict is not helping – by that, i mean, and tw ed – my caloric intake is not high. i am not eating low-calorie foods exclusively (yesterday i ate wendy’s!) but i am eating very little calorically. i am sure it does not aid my brain.
so, calorically, there is that, and that perhaps the heart pain i am feeling is my body eating heart muscle for sustenance, but probably not, so i continue. i continue! i continue through the black spots in my vision, or rather, brightly colored spots that make me sure i will faint soon, but then they dissipate and, maybe i should drink some water. hydration is important.
but it seeps in, it seeps in in ways that you can’t imagine at first, like that the half & half you agreed you wanted your mother to treat you to because it makes the coffee you live off of so creamy, and you go home and taste it and it just tastes kind of fatty and not coffee enough. i stopped putting sugar in a long time ago.
i’ve lost maybe 5lbs in months of starving myself.
i’ve become smaller, that is true, but my body remains at almost overweight in a bmi way, which truly goes to show how bullshit bmi is as a system and method of measurement, if you still gave it any credibility, although i do emotionally (not logically – and if you cannot understand the distinction between emotional and logical thinking, i am sorry, but you probably never will, because you probably think only with logic. i am 99% emotion and it is a rollercoaster!)
i am open online, but rarely this much so. i know my being this way is a method of self-destruction, a result of numbness; not caring.
i overplucked my eyebrows, but it’s fine.
i wish the dermatillomania on my face would heal.
did i mention yet on this blog that my dslr isn’t working? life is fun that way. it takes your best coping skills when you need them most. no video; little in photos…rolls of 35mm film and no money to develop them, two exposures of instant film left. that’s fine. it’s fine.
i am so spoiled and disgusting and full to the brim with self hatred. i want to be a bleach baby again; to bleach, as i put it on twitter, “the shit out of my hair”
i drink coffee, i sit here in my falling apart leggings (ok fine, they are jeggings, i couldn’t find my black ones in the piles of clothes) and a contrasting calvin klein sports bra i bought while i was semi-okay at doing internet sex work still.
i am frustrated.
returning to school is a far away dream.
i don’t know.