I don’t know how to go about writing this post. I am planning on making a new wordpress dot com account soon. That will be a more personal space. This space, sugarette dot net, I consider to be partly yours, too – if you are neurodivergent or chronically ill, or disabled.
TW SUICIDE in this post
It’s weird seeing that I wrote that I’m safe on september 9th, because two days later I made my most serious suicide attempt yet. I originally wrote “so far” but I don’t want to do that any more. I may want to, but I won’t, because after being intubated and unconscious for over 24 hours, and seeing how much I scared some people, and watching yet more people walk out of my life as a result, I don’t want to do that again. Not for myself, but so that I do not hurt others.
I don’t mean to hurt others. I don’t want to hurt others. To be selfish, I must admit it hurts me to hurt others. I am constantly hurting because of the hurt of others. I feel too hard.
I started making videos about mental health, like I’ve been meaning to for literal years.
Olaplex and Chill 1:
Olaplex and Chill 2:
Olaplex and Chill 3:
It is the third one in the series in which I address my most recent suicide attempt. I put trigger warnings in all of my videos before triggering content.
The Olaplex and Chill concept is simple, I shower and apply olaplex to my hair (which you are welcome to subsidize the cost of by sending sephora.com e-giftcards to zelie at zelie dot co so that I can purchase olaplex for videos more easily), then while it repairs my hair I sit and talk to my camera. I “chill”. It’s obviously a play on “netflix and chill”, which I enjoy, because both first words end in X and both last words are “chill”…obviously.
I can’t afford the adobe suite right now, since my promotional intro period price ended, so I cancelled my subscription. I have a week long free trial to use to edit video footage, and then I have to find the best open source video editing software for me.
I’m not going to address that aforementioned suicide attempt in much detail in writing right now – I’m not ready.
I titled this blog post partially “olaplex and thrill” for halloween/samhain. I am taking my wicca more seriously, so to me it is samhain. My spirituality does a lot to help my mental health. I am taking steps to try to help my mental health get better. It is so bad! I am safe, but of course now, here, that means nothing.
Things are bad. The political climate is scary – terrifying, even. I have gone numb, despite my best efforts. I stopped looking at the news. I have not stopped caring, but for the most part (very much mostly but not entirely) the fire inside of me that burns to help others is being overshadowed by a great burdensome need to take care of myself and my body.
I have a new handle. @zeliethorn . I have a new twitter and the same instagram at a new link and the same thing applies to my tumblr page. I will be updating the links on this page momentarily to reflect any changes since they were last updated.
I hope to make videos about coping, soon. I hope to cope, myself, soon.