i don’t want to exist any more

i don’t want to be here or to
feel things or to
hate myself a second longer

i know i will be here
and boy will i feel things
i have many seconds of hating myself left to endure

who knows how many
chris cornell killed himself the other day
grunge was one of my first loves

hard not to take your pretty noose to heart
well, say hello to heaven, like you sang
to nothingness and memory

this internet streaming show is all the rage
a girl killed herself and left some tapes
i’ve been avoiding watching for i don’t know how many days

i heard it’s not even good but it’s hard not to look
not to touch when i know it will burn
it will hurt so deliciously, maybe i would even…maybe

i can’t bear to be here or to
feel emotions about people and events and damage
i can’t bear to be a second longer

the truth is it’s because feel too much
i cry too much and i kiss too many people
i sometimes stick my finger down my throat for a body i may never have

and then i tell people sentences like those on the first day i meet them
they run away and i understand
but i do not change

are you longing to be heard just as much?
do you ever scream and wonder at how it is so silent
i often do

i wish for change

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