I have a silly little instagram photo of a notepad document of a poem I wrote. I think it’s terrible, but I think everything I write is terrible, so I don’t know if it’s actually terrible. I’m not putting the whole thing online yet (or other things I’ve written). However, here is the instagram photo I mentioned earlier where you can see the title of one poem and some snippets of the poem itself:
It’s pretty depressing stuff, I mean, I’m generally writing pretty depressing stuff lately because I’ve been in a terrible place mentally – which also means it’s hard to blog without a) worrying people about my current mental state and b) it’s hard to write blog posts at all, to be honest. Blogging is sort of a weird form of writing. I’m generally avoiding publishing words of mine from recently on the internet right now, since everything I write comes out terrible and depressing. I feel much more comfortable blogging (especially when offering advice about dealing with mental health issues, which is a large portion of what I blog about) when I’m in a better place mentally. I don’t have to be absolutely peachy, just….not here.
I’m not gonna call this rock bottom, because I know there will be other future lower points in my life (most likely, at least), but it kind of feels that way. It feels maybe like a normal person’s rock bottom but 50 trillion layers deeper. Key word: feels. Obviously I have no idea if that’s even remotely the case. I feel like I’m buried under so many thick layers of, uh, I don’t know what word to use here? Sludge? Depression? Problems? None of those words are quite what I’m looking for. I have a lot of painful, difficult, exhausting digging before I can have something resembling a semi-neurotypical brain and a normal life, if I ever possibly could have those things. We’re talking years of work here.
I’m trying to keep my head above water, I guess. I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging for a while. We’ll see. I’m still writing things regularly, just mostly in notepad and ommwriter documents, not so much on the internet (especially blogspot).